Anne Jackson nailed it.
Driving by my old church, my old Starbucks, my old house…all these things brought back so many memories. Every time I’d go somewhere public, my heart would race a little bit. I was afraid of running into the person who hurt me four years ago.
Four years..it seems like a lifetime ago. But the hurt still hasn’t gone away. And it’s still impacts me, my ministry, and my ability to take risks. I don’t assert myself like I normally did. I stay really quiet and don’t speak my mind as much as I should. I choose my battles too carefully.
I'm also afraid at times of "selling out." It seems that people with ideas are not always welcomed. And it seems that "we work in a business where Jesus is not always popular" - not even in the church! And, it seems, that my ideas need refining --even sometimes when I'm absolutely sure at the time that we NEED to move forward! (And even when I'm sure people are putting artificial and ungodly obstacles up.) I've seen church become an "us" and "them." It's not pretty.
Ah, but we're just like "them," really. Believe me, I'm not on my high horse here. But we do tend to retreat into guarding ourselves and not being as daring as we ought, right? Maybe I'm just speaking for Anne and myself. Perhaps that's a "whole church" problem and not simply a leadership issue? Don't "people in the pews" also hold back from risking beyond where they are?
How do we move beyond that "let's protect ourselves and hold back" syndrome? For me, it's moments like reading Anne's confession and remembering that the people of God can't afford to "hold back" anything. Too much is at stake. After all, the world's acceptance is not what Jesus was about either. I'm so glad that He didn't "hold back."
More than that ... like Jesus, I believe we need to practice what we preach, i.e. get into an active prayer time, tell God what you fear most, and allow God to deal with the places where we need healing and to forgive, as well as forgiveness. Remember the Garden of Gethsemane: "take this cup from me?"Fortunately, we are on a different path with Jesus.
It's not an easy path. But it's the right path, I believe.